Nothing

I

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I should have been able to do something.

The patient, Blair, was brought to me in ragged condition.  Xe was...on death's door, and had been for a very long time.  That xe was still alive was...was a miracle in and of itself.

I should have

There must have been something I could have done.

Xe had been mutilated.  Xir body was...flayed, almost to the bone in places.  Foreign objects had been...inserted, plants allowed to grow within the body.  Rooting into the flesh.

I tried.  I worked as hard as I could.  But, in the end, I failed.  Xe couldn't hold out, not against that kind of injury.  Xe was strong, but...sometimes that isn't enough.

I wasn't skilled enough. If I'd known more, if I could have done something more...if I had a team, or better equipment, or better knowledge or more experience.

But I don't.  I didn't.

I failed Blair.

Xe's dead.  Xe died on my operating table.  Not enough blood.  Too much shock to xir body.  Any number of things that already should have killed hir long before I began the surgery.  They were too much.  Too much for xir.  Too much for me.

Xir friends...haven't taken it very well.

The young man, Curtis is...doing nothing.  He's just...numb.  Empty.

The young woman, Alyssa attacked me.

She knocked me to the ground.  She hit me over and over.  And I let her.  Because she's right, it's my fault, it's all my fault for not being better at this.  For not finding a way to save xir.

Sal pulled her off of me.  She reacted negatively to being touched, but...she stopped attacking me.  Came to her senses.

Part of me wishes she hadn't.  A black eye and a bruised lip don't seem like a fair trade compared to what they've lost.

I can't deal with this.  I just

I'm going back.  To my textbooks.  To my old lecture notes.  To anything.

I need to be better.

I have to make myself better.

I have to not fail the next Blair.