The Worst Doctor

I have just advised an alcoholic patient to continue destroying herself rather than stop altogether.

Yes, it may be healthier for her to wean herself off slowly, especially given the circumstances, but I can't help but to second guess every decision I make lately.  I've not been sleeping well.  Fortunately, I've gone from spending all my time studying to simply sobbing.

Sal has tried to speak with me.  I've brushed him off.  I brushed everyone off that hasn't come to me for help.  I know, yes, I'm not the first doctor in history that has ever lost a patient.  I know Blair won't...probably won't be the last.

But what if I told Sheryl the wrong thing?  What if this is a huge mistake?  What if my advice...what if it kills her too?

I've spoken with...a friend, about this.  She says I'm being too hard on myself, and maybe I am, but aren't doctors supposed to be on a higher standard than others?  We take peoples' lives into our hands.  Aren't we supposed to work hard to be worthy of that task?  Am I still worthy of it?

I don't know.  I don't know what to think anymore.  If I can lose so much confidence in myself over losing just one patient...how can I persist in a job like this?

No Sleep

Been catching up on reading instead of sleep - don't think I can sleep on a night like tonight anyway. In any case, I found that our guests have their own blog and I've been getting to know them through their words. It's somewhat strange, getting to know a person after they are dead. Like discovering a treasure you know has been destroyed.

I almost wrote 'destoryed' there. As if, instead of dying, they had just been taken out of the story...