More Visitors

Three more visitors just arrived. One man and two women. They looked like they were in an awful hurry to get here. (Perhaps they think we're still under some protection. Oh, well, the other guests disabuse them of that notion quickly.)

Things are still a little tense here. I think Alyssa and Curtis are on the verge of leaving -- although they keep trying to "help" and fix the stuff that inevitably breaks around them. And Sheryl is...well, I think Sheryl is okay. I haven't seen her around that much lately, but whenever I think she's left, I see her sitting in her room, staring at her creepy doll.

And now we have more visitors added to the mix.

I think I'm just tired. I need to get some rest.

See you all in the morning.

Nerves

I have a major operation to perform soon.

I must replace all of the blood in a person.  Sheryl.  It's my task to replace as much of her blood as I can with untainted blood.  If this works...we may have a way to save others like her.  However...there's no way to tell if it will or not.

I'm not sure how I feel about performing this operation.

I've been doing better, but...  I had a rather tense conversation with Alyssa the other day.  The outcome was very confusing and very troubling, and to be honest I'm not sure if it made me feel better or worse.  There was some catharsis in it, though.  I suppose that will have to do.

The transfusions start tomorrow.  I should get some rest.  I haven't been sleeping the best lately, I want to be in my best possible form.

I hope this works.

Trouble With a Capital T

Ruby's back. Probably because of our lack of protection. I've seen her a few times now, just sort of waiting outside, sitting on benches and at street corners.

And that's not all. Alyssa and Curtis and their friend Sheryl are still here. I'm giving them leeway, because their friend died and I know how hard it must be for them. Still, I have a troubling feeling whenever I see them, especially Sheryl and that creepy doll that she sometimes leaves around. And Alyssa broke one of the doors, I think.

In any case, as long as they don't bring any trouble, I'm letting them stay.

Mourning

Why does death hurt us so much? Why does it tear us up and leave us ragged?

I didn't even know their name until Ivory told me. Blair. I saw the sadness in her face as she told Blair's friends what had happened and the next minute one of the women - Alyssa, Ivory said her name was - just jumped on her. I pulled her off, but I know that feeling. The feeling of wanting, needing to hit something, anything at all, to transfer your pain to someone else.

The man - Ivory said his name was Curtis - he's just standing there, not speaking, not moving. I know that feeling, too. Not wanting to move at all, not even breathe. Not wanting to feel a thing. Comfortably numb, as the song goes.

It's not death that hurts us, I think. It's not the concept of dying, since everyone and everything does it. It's the emptiness that accompanies it. A lacuna, a void, where some song has been silenced and there's nothing left to fill the hole in our hearts.

I watched Alyssa until I knew she wasn't going to attack anyone else, then I slipped away and out the door and into the night.

I hadn't said the Kaddish in years, but there I started to say it. And then I stopped, because I saw something. Against the darkness, it was barely visible, but I could still see it's red eyes. I could hear its panting, so much like a real dog.

It silently gazed at me and then turned away and it was gone.

I said my prayer in silence.